This past year, for many of us, would rather be forgotten. It was a year of turmoil and upheaval, and I found myself getting further and further away from many of the healthy habits that I had formed. I found myself getting into some very unhealthy habits and routines.
It took me a while, but I eventually accepted that much of my personal life was beginning to spiral out of control. That scared me, and at first I didn't know how to handle it, but instead of retreating further, I allowed something in myself to wake up, as if God was shaking me out of sleep but I had kept on hitting the snooze button and rolling over to go back to sleep.
I began to get excited again, even though I didn't realize that was something that I had stopped doing. I began to want more for myself again, even though I had been telling myself all along that I couldn't wait to: get back into the gym, get back to my studies, do this, do that.
The fact was, I was entirely un-motivated to do any of those things.
I just didn't want to. Not really. I thought I did, but I didn't have the energy to pursue any of those things. And the things that I did have the energy, the drive, to pursue, were not the best for me.
However, that all began to change recently.
Now, there has been a period of guilt as I re-visit certain aspects of my life that I had walked away from, like this blog, for example. It's been nearly 3 years since my last post!!! I'm not saying that I'll become a super blogger overnight once again, but posting this is today is my way of rummaging through my psychiatric closet and picking out activities and disciplines that brought me joy, and trying them on again.
One of those activities is an online exercise program that I once adhered to rather faithfully. In it, the fitness instructor starts out with a simple question, which she then re-visits from time to time.
"What's your why?"
She says that the answer to that question might change, and that's okay. Your 'why' for today doesn't have to be the same 'why' tomorrow.
But it is important to have a 'why'.
Why am I doing this? Why do I want to continue? Why does it bring me joy? Why is it important to me?
My why (for now) is to forgive myself for last year's shortfalls, and to find a new beginning. Now I must say I feel very blessed, and very grateful, in that I have been able to do this without professional help, but I certainly was headed in that direction.
So my why for writing this on a public website is that perhaps someone may read this one day who may need a little help forgiving themselves for choices that should never define them. Perhaps someone will read this someday who just needs a little cheering on to make that healthy choice that they've been contemplating for a while, but hasn't found their 'why.'
At the end of the day, I think I would tell that person: do it because you are worth it.
In fact, I think I'll tell myself that.
I am worth it.
I'm worth being better tomorrow than I am today. Even if it is only a very tiny amount better.
Improve something in your life every day.
"Your inmost being must be renewed, and you must put on the new man" -Ephesians 4:23-24
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